Category: Let's talk
actually i don't know if this should belong here or in the rant board. Well let's see what happens as time passes and my words flow.
My question for your delectation is "when we lose a loved one, is the stuff they left behind important to us?"
On June 27, my dad died. I'm putting his house on the market. It was uninhabited partially for years and is a terrible reeking wreck. Everyone in my family, his church, peer group, neighborhood, etc., etc., etc., is practically thrusting his stuff at me. Don't I want the pictures? What about his ugly dishes? Bring on the medals he won. How about all the old national geographics from the 1950s? What about the world books? Don't you want his worn out danish modern furniture? No!! No!!! a thousand times no! oh yes my mom raised me right. No thank you!!!!
The realtor was practically crying as were all these other people. What about my heritage? Don't I have pride in my family? Yes yes and emphatically yes please. I just don't want all their useless used up crap cluttering up my life. I have my treasured memmories, and guess what? They take up absolutely no space whatsoever.
Am I totally heartless as it is implied? Please let it rip I'd love to read your thoughts.
Holly, I'm totally in agreement with you as usual.
If there is one thing I can't stand, it's collecting a bunch of objects, trinkets, and junk to hold onto memories. Memories are meant to be stored in your brain, not your living room! I intensely dislike keeping a bunch of stuff you'll never need for no reason. If I know I'll never use something and it's not valuable at all to me, it's garbage.
Why would anyone think you'd want all your dad's stuff? What are you going to use it for? Are you gonna read those books, look through those pictures, reminisce over the metals, and use the furniture?
It really bothers me when people want to hold onto everything from their past, even when they know they'll never look at or touch it again. And just because there were things that your father valued and held on to, doesn't mean you as his daughter must also value and hold onto them.
Holly, I tend to agree with you also. My mother tried to bait me into a fight over similar issues years ago. There were some items I wanted from the house, and she made it a point to tell me after a difficult discussion she was giving them away to one of my other brothers. As quickly as I started to get angry, I realized it was only just stuff after all. There's an old saying to the effect you were born with nothing, and you'll die with nothing. What's the point of cluttering up your life with stuff that really doesn't mean anything anyway. Post 2 put it really well when she said to the effect that nobody else associates the same meanings to material possessions that we do. Stick to your guns, and know that you are the only one who has to look in the mirror and like what you see staring back at you at the end of the day. Its noone's decision but yours.
Lou
lou, although I bet you initially were hurt that your brother got what you wanted, after all it's that sibling thing at work, you were very mature to realize that what matters is not the item(s) but the memmories it/they ingender(s.) oh yes, and raven was right on target as usual.
I think part of the extreme fascination and value to hanging on to things that our parents feel has to do with the great depression. Of course, we are experiencing bad times now, but these are nothing compared to what they went through. Daily I pray we don't go down that road, because I wonder how these spoiled soft youngsters we have would deal with it. Anyway.... To our older moms and dads, I think stuff equals security.
The most valuable thing I have received from this death can not be put in a box or a bank. My brother and I have begun to communicate again. I think we both realize we are the only ones we have so we'd better kiss and play nicely. Although I'm sure we will have some disagreements through the years, I'm impressed with the person he has become and the life he has made and is making.
Holly, you seem to be handling this pretty maturely. After all, it's you that will be stuck with all the "things" after the rest of the folks have gone home.
I'm glad you and your brother have developped some mutual respect for one another.
Bob
Holly, it was interesting to hear about you and your brother. I seem to have a vague memory of meeting him when we were kids.
I ask myself why my mother has lingered as long as she has, and the interesting thing is that the middle brother of the three of us and I have gotten much closer as a result.
I hope the relationship between you and he continues to grow.
Lou
I was raised by my mother and grandmother. All the furniture in the house belonged to my grandmother. It was very good and sturdy furniture that they just don't make anymore. However, once both my mom and grandmother were gone and I was buying my very own place, I wanted to keep none of this furniture even though it was still good. I let an auction house come and take everything, and when I moved, I bought all new stuff. Of course, this crap won't last nearly as long as my grandmother's furniture lasted, but still, I had grown up with her stuff and just wanted something different.
In other words, I understand your attitude completely, and your neighbors and family should not be trying to thrust that stuff on you.
Becky, embracing and desiring change is a wonderful thing to do. There's so many people out there who want to hang onto stuff, and plus, it's cheaper to hang onto things that are already there and can be put to good use, but instead, you wanted something different.
Annd Holly, I hope that the relationship between you and your brother continues to grow and be well-nurtured. Congrats!
i think that stuff is important, in other words, stuff makes the memories.
i lost my great great grand mother years ago, she left me a sterrio in her will. i do have the memories, standing in that house, talking to her etc but when i look back at the sterrio (also now broken) it makes me wonder back to the old days and think of myself in her house listening to her old crackly radio
I do keep my own personal belongings for memories sometimes, but not other people's stuff. I just think it's ridiculous to keep something that was precious to one person, and then say: "Well, it's precious to me because it was precious to them." There ought to be a more valuable and substantial reason behind the object. Objects will not help you remember people--times with those people, yes. But not the actual person.
One should especially start getting rid of things when they begin to take up space and become clutter. You gotta get rid of the old to make room for the new.
I think you should keep what you want to keep and get rid of what you don't want. In Holly's case, it sounds like other people were pressuring her into keeping stuff she didn't want. No one has the right to determine what should or should not be important to you.
to post one i believe when anyone passes on before us it doese matter to us or to those who are around us but sometimes it can present a problem with other members in the family like people wanting old chairs, or tables, beds. but also there are some stuff that are just things we might not even need because we can buy them in this time even though people might not be able to buy things that were like old like old phones or what have you or like when a family members makes a quilt or something like that. me could write forever but i am done haha
what a pleasure it is to belong to such an interesting and thoughtful community. thanks to all of you for taking the time to address this issue.
For the record, i did get a few small items, e.g., jewelry and some old tapes. The rest of it will go to people who can benefit from it.